We were well into the frenzy of last minute wedding planning when this unanticipated realization crossed my mind. “Wait a minute! You’re leaving? I’m just now starting to figure things out! I have so much to teach you!” I felt that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had not done enough and that I had run out of time. I had not told her everything that I had to tell her. I haven’t even finished learning it all. “You can’t go yet!” There was also that simultaneous thought, they (both of my girls) had it so together that they really didn’t need me anymore anyway.
Katie was just shy of 23, graduating from college with her bachelor’s degree and ready to launch her career. Ashley was graduating from high school, preparing to start college, and they were both perfectly capable of heading out into the world and taking complete care of themselves. They are awesome girls. I got lucky! I often find myself in the middle of those conversations where other parents tell their stories, their trials and tribulations, their exasperation through the teen years. I stand quietly nodding thinking to myself “don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact”. In my mind I’m thinking that’s not at all what I experienced. Absolutely at moments I made them nuts and surely at times they made me nuts, but that’s just being family. That’s what family does. I was not longing for them to leave, but I really don’t ever expect them to leave and be gone forever from my life. I will always be their Mom and they will always be my girls. Their growing up is not a bad thing. It’s an awesome thing. Let’s face it – the fact that my girls turned out to be such awesome adults had nothing to do with outstanding parenting. God just blessed us well and we get to reap the reward. These are the beautiful souls he entrusted us to raise and we are grateful.
We could have done much better I am sure, there is plenty I would have done differently. I didn’t demand nearly enough of their help around the house (their father was right) and I’m sure that I should have been meaner at times and more loving at others (their father was right again)…, but they are now pretty well grown and they are awesome nonetheless. Somehow, they survived the upbringing of two very set in their ways, argumentative, OCD parents who bickered and loved on a regular basis.
Thankfully although Katie was marrying, she was moving just a few miles away and Ashley was still home with us for at least for a little while longer. There was still time, I would get it done. I would undo this wrong, I would tell them everything that I have not said, teach them everything I have not taught them, but not, not before the wedding. There was too much to do. As I calmed my thoughts and reality set in I knew that there really wasn’t a wrong to undo, but I did have a lot to tell my girls; what I have learned, what I am still learning, what I haven’t figured out yet. I have to so much to say. Of course, that would be of no surprise to anyone. So for them and because of them, my task at hand began (but not before the wedding).
It was a big year for our family. The engagement, Katie’s college graduation, Ashley’s high school graduation, and to my surprise the wedding. I was looking at well over a year to plan, but that was not their plan. This year was to be full of graduations, parties, celebrations, and lots of planning with the grand finale at the end - the wedding. We had 10 months and it was time to get busy. It was going to be a great year, but the first thing to prepare was me. It takes a long time to raise a daughter, but it takes even longer to raise a mom.
I was and will always be a work in progress. Growing is a part of life, but I think it give us purpose. I’m not sure I’d want to get to a point where I felt like there was nothing left to learn. I do think, however, that as we get older the work becomes sweeter. The awareness, the understanding, the ah-ha moments all start to come together to become a wonderful realization that life is good, God is good, and I’m just fine. With that in mind, I got some awesome therapy, navigated a wonderful year of celebrations, and then began to write.
I have been writing for a while now bits and pieces here and there, but this past year I got stuck. I needed a place to put my words. I basically needed a virtual office. I needed a space to complete a post, call it done, publish it, and move on. So without a clue as to how to establish a website – I’ve done just that in the most basic sense. If you want to help me get past “basic” give me a call. I’ve been looking for you. It still needs a lot of work, but it’s my space. It’s simple, clean, and my own virtual landing page. These posts are for my girls and for anyone that wants to listen. It’s a scary thing to write. Putting your thoughts out there for the world to see and critique. I’m not an English major. I’m not even a college graduate, but there are days when the words in my head are almost screaming to get out. I’m realizing hitting publish on each post takes some guts so be kind. I’m keeping in mind some wise words I heard recently. “If people don’t like it, it wasn’t meant for them”. I hope these posts are meant for you.
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