The texts had been going back and forth for months with updates on Skeet. We called our group “Team Skeet”. This was the mechanism we used to send and receive updates on our dear friend as her battle with breast cancer appeared to be coming to an end. As much as we all prayed and hoped for a miracle, we knew that call, that text, was coming soon. I was at the lake for a weekend with friends. I had my phone on silent while I slept. I had missed the text from earlier in the evening that things were not good. Had I seen that I would have most likely kept the ringer on. I woke up to a missed call at about 4:30 am. I knew. A text message was waiting from Skeet’s twin sister Mo, “Lou, call me when you wake up”. The tears began to fall and oh how I did not want to return that call. I sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes gathering courage. "Hey Mo, It's Lou..." Skeet’s battle was over.
We left the lake and headed home. Arrangements were being made and although I had not been back to Memphis in 30 years, I had to go. Sometimes I just know and this was one of those times I just knew. Didn’t matter the cost – I had to go. Oh how I wish I had gone years before, so many times before. That didn’t matter much right now. I booked my ticket and was headed back to my second home. Literally Memphis was my second home. We moved mid-way through my junior year in high school from the suburbs on NYC to the suburbs of Memphis, Tennessee. Kind of the equivalent of moving to another planet. Not really, but sortav. I cried every night because I was 16 years old, out of my element, and had not one single friend. Enter Skeet and Mo stage right. Twins. Two of the fun and funniest people I’ve ever met that drove a tiny white Carma Ghia convertible, had a big southern family, and made me laugh every day for the rest of our time together in Memphis. They taught me that Yes Ma’am and Yes Sir were the respectful and required way to address your parents, that “draw” and “drawer” were two very different words, and that combining Velveeta cheese and Rotel made THE best queso dip on the planet. Mo tells me now that back then they
may have needed me at that time in their lives as much as I needed them. I doubt that, but it warms my heart to think maybe that was true.
From the moment I landed I was transported back in time. They were Skeet and Mo and I was Lou. Oh my word how I had missed being Lou. It felt so good and so familiar, and I had no idea how much I had missed this place and these people. Sitting on the back porch laughing about old times with country music playing from the TV it was like nothing had changed, but it had and every so often the wave of that realty would hit us. Thirty years just slipped away. Dammit. Life happens and it happens so fast. Wow it happens so fast. The night after the funeral Mo and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. So much of our lives had passed but in a way time had stood still. I think we were both in amazement that we were together again. Lesson learned - we will not let another thirty years slip away. My time back there was so bittersweet.
Mo said that after their parents passed away Skeet never spoke of their passing in any other way than “they were on vacation”. I’m guessing those words were Skeets’s way of accepting the reality that they were gone in a way that she could process. In the end Skeet was tired and she was missing her parents. She was ready to join them and her big brother on “vacation” and that's exactly what she did.
I remember my father telling me at my grandmother’s funeral that the person that had passed was just fine. It was the people that were left behind that were hurting. I really believe that. I am somehow certain that the veil is thinner than we can even imagine and that we are never far from those that have gone before us even though I admittedly have not a clue how any of that all works. It’s one of those few things that I somehow just feel like I know for sure.
We left the lake and headed home. Arrangements were being made and although I had not been back to Memphis in 30 years, I had to go. Sometimes I just know and this was one of those times I just knew. Didn’t matter the cost – I had to go. Oh how I wish I had gone years before, so many times before. That didn’t matter much right now. I booked my ticket and was headed back to my second home. Literally Memphis was my second home. We moved mid-way through my junior year in high school from the suburbs on NYC to the suburbs of Memphis, Tennessee. Kind of the equivalent of moving to another planet. Not really, but sortav. I cried every night because I was 16 years old, out of my element, and had not one single friend. Enter Skeet and Mo stage right. Twins. Two of the fun and funniest people I’ve ever met that drove a tiny white Carma Ghia convertible, had a big southern family, and made me laugh every day for the rest of our time together in Memphis. They taught me that Yes Ma’am and Yes Sir were the respectful and required way to address your parents, that “draw” and ” were two very different words, and that combining Velveeta cheese and Rotel made THE best queso dip on the planet. Mo tells me now that back then they
After the service and the burial family and friends gathered at Mo’s for an evening together. Late in the evening a conversation began about planning funerals. The discussion was about how much we “the fifty-somethings” and those older than us should plan and prepare for our “vacation” and how much should be left up to the loved ones we leave behind. My funeral won’t necessarily be for me because, well, I’ll be on vacation. But I’m guessing in that moment my family will be trying to plan an event that would please me and that might be hard to do when you can’t simply call me and ask. This might be the perfect space to “plan my vacation” and I love a good plan!
When Jim’s parents passed away a few years ago. There wasn’t a plan. Nobody knows where their final resting place should be so they remain in their daughter’s living room on a table in the corner next to some photos. I’m not sure when the time will come that our family addresses that, but I hope it’s soon. While we want to honor their wishes, I’m not sure they really had a strong opinion. I think if they had, we would have known. What matters most now is that the family have a place to and find comfort and quiet to connect and remember. I don’t think they really care. I know my Mom doesn’t want to be wet. There will be no tossing of the ashes into a body of water. Thankfully we know that now! She shared that little piece of information in her early 80s. Good to know Mom (LOL). These are truly the most awkward conversations. I’m not really sure why. It’s not like any of us can opt out of this as our inevitable destiny.
So me, what do I want…
I want my daughters to look after each other, I want them to always be family and never lose touch. I want them to have each other’s backs and to know and remind each other that God loves them and so do I. I want them to know that if they don’t take care of each other I will find a way to come back and haunt them.
I want an obituary. I love reading about others so write about me. Maybe just put a link to my wix site - it tells a lot about who I was. OH and in that obituary - can you put cause of death: _____ because it's probably not a secret and people want to know. When others pass I always want to know so just tell them.
I do not want an open casket. There is no need for that. Cremate me. Don’t worry – I’ve always preferred being hot over being cold.
Find the best pictures I’ve ever taken and display them. Remember me on a good hair day. At least give me that.
Do not spend money on a funeral home, a visitation, a casket (I tend to be more claustrophobic the older I get)… find a church, a pastor that I’d call friend (there are several), play some good music, say some nice positive uplifting things, maybe tell a few jokes, and have a few glasses of wine remembering the fun times we had. If you want to quote me, I’ve given you plenty of opportunity here: Home| I call myself louise (wixsite.com)
If there’s room, I’d love to hang out at the Apex United Methodist Church columbarium because Apex will always be my forever home. I hope to get around to purchasing a spot there, but if I don’t…
Songs and verses - I do love the song Ten Thousand Reasons but Jim isn’t much a fan (maybe because it’s been my morning alarm for years now) I think he’s sick of it. I also love "Walk In Love"... there are so many - pick what you love! I love Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God”. I think because I always struggled with that being still stuff) and Luke 5:19 because that is what 519 Church was born out of and 519 might have had the greatest impact on my faith journey. Always be seeking out a way to bring your friends to the feet of Jesus. That's Luke 5:19 in a nutshell.
And please remember that I have left financial instructions in the emergency book. Go to the book, go to the firebox, go to the safety deposit box. You’ll find everything you need. I worked hard on that – use it. It isn’t an easy thing to maintain so make it worth my while.
As is often the case, I’ve probably given you too much help already. Do what brings you joy. It will be fine, you’ll be fine, I’m fine. Remember, I’ll just be on vacation. Skeet’s there and I can’t wait to see her again.
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